Scariest question of all: “Who am I?”

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They say when you turn 25, your frontal lobe fully develops and that’s when it’s harder to change habits and beliefs. Yesterday, on the eve of Halloween, I turned 26, and it wasn't aging that I was scared of, it was not knowing myself despite my age. It has been years and no habits are sticking and I’m still easily swayed by others.

In this following chapter of my life, I’m on a quest to find out who I am and what I’m meant to be doing in this world–a journey I’m sure everyone finds just as daunting but just as fulfilling.

Am I a writer?

Discovering my penchant for writing at the early age of 10 was like finding out I had superpowers. It was exhilarating knowing I could create worlds with complex people and intricate cultures with every stroke of my ballpen, as I scribbled at the back of my Values Education notebook. 

Yet I was never really able to give endings to the stories I started, or write habitually. It was like being a pebble shot out of the sky by a tirador¹, full of energy, only to fall back down lifeless.

If you have been my friend or follower on social media, then you might have seen the many times I have attempted to write and keep up with blogging, only to find that I have disappeared after a week of trying.

I love to write, but I cannot seem to keep up with it on my own, even when I only talk about myself for a larger part of it.  I have had it as a job, but it almost seems forced, like I have to be held at gunpoint before I can write anything coherent.

Can I be called a writer if I only write once or twice a year, when it’s convenient for me?

Am I a beauty queen?

In my first year of high school, my teacher asked me to join a beauty pageant to which my Mama Inday, my grandmother, easily agreed to. I was 12 and had no ability to decide on my own when I was crowned Miss Intramurals of our school–my first beauty pageant title.

From then on, I was never able to remove myself from the world of sultry catwalks and eloquent one-liners. I joined a few other beauty pageants at school and in university before I became a contestant for my first “legitimate” pageant, Miss Ormoc.

I clinched that title in 2019 and represented my home city, Ormoc City, on the national stage in Miss World Philippines of the same year, finishing Top 20 and earning the Multimedia Award for my use of social media for social good.

Although the pageants only contributed to a portion of my life, they accounted for a majority of how people perceived me. Even when it was 3 years later and I was working over a thousand kilometers away from home, I was Miss Ormoc to my colleagues and newfound friends in Nueva Ecija.

But I fully embraced this part of my identity. Most of the time I believed I was someone beautiful, compassionate, and intelligent–traits often used to describe beauty queens. I worked towards my advocacies and causes and tried to become a good example to younger women–duties a beauty queen must perform.

Can I still be considered one though? 

When it’s been five years since my last stint onstage, I have gained weight not “fitting” of a beauty queen, and I have had my fair share of failures and mistakes for everyone to see.

What truly makes a beauty queen a beauty queen?

Masks I constantly wear

My family and closest friends saw me neither as a writer nor a beauty queen.

To my family, I was a loving daughter and sister who helped provide for our home. My mother tells me I’m generous because I maintained my responsibility to always share what I earned.

To my friends, I was the funny and outspoken girl, the good friend who knew how to balance having a good time, making space for serious conversations, and being a comforting company for others.

Yet even those adjectives and descriptions didn’t always ring true to me. There were times I complained of being tired of having to give back to my family, and moments when I hid from my friends because their presence overwhelmed me.

To me, a person’s identity is something they will consistently be, something they never stray from, and something they are always true to.

So, how could any of these things be me, when I had times I would lose my way? When inconsistency would be ever-present in the things that I do?

Looking in the mirror, barefaced

The eve of Halloween seemed a very fitting day for me because there have been many times that I didn’t feel like myself; like I’m only a girl changing costumes and makeup to mask who I truly was.

Who was I truly? 

That, I was also not sure of.

But I’m in no hurry to find out.

Amidst the clashing voices within me and the opposing things that I do, two things ground me; my keen self-awareness and my inherent trait of being a “tryer.”

I am grateful for my ability to be aware of my inconsistencies and not-so-desirable actions, and I'm always always trying to correct myself and steer myself on the right path.

I cannot write every day, but when the world feels heavy, the Notes app is where I go to pour my feelings out.

My time as a “beauty queen” may be over, but I still advocate for the same causes and try to be a better sister to my younger siblings.

I sometimes grumble when expenses at home are high, but I make sure to send even just a little bit of help when my family needs it.

I don’t always relate to my friends, but I make sure to send them occasional memes and check on them from time to time.

I try, and try, and try.

Even when I can be a chronic complainer, I do the things I’m supposed to anyway. Because while I may still be far from who I want to be, I know that these little moments of trying and doing will amount to becoming who I’m meant to be.

It is not easy, it is an internal battle every day between what I want to do and what I’m supposed to do. And I lean into my strong sense of responsibility to guide me.

Hey, that’s what my 26th year is for, anyway. It is a year of trying, doing the work, and eventually growing into my own identity. 

And while this process of exploring who I truly am can be intimidating, and I might find aspects of myself I will not like, there is still nothing more terrifying than looking in the mirror 10 years down the road and not being able to recognize the person in the reflection.

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¹ Filipino term for slingshot. https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/the-meaning-of/filipino-word-62de0ebb83ac8b8678a215f2e6fe361c7ac16553.html